Jokes

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, “I’m on this cruise to…

Three people want to get into heaven.St Nicholas is the gatekeeper. He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.The first person reaches…

I met an older woman at a bar last night.She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!I found myself thinking…

Fred, a waiter who had worked in a small restaurant for 53 years, passed away one night. His wife, Lois was heartbroken without him; she spent several days…

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, out of nothing poured a bag of dog sh*t on my carpet without asking my permission and said, “Sir, if this vacuum…

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such…

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart…… they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.They each bought five tickets at a…

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a…

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his…

At a small club in the mid-west, a ventriloquist is doing his show.His show includes a whole stream of jokes about blonde stupidity.After about a dozen of the…

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her…

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical, and all of his tests come back normal.The doctor says, “Arthur, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and…

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll…

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs.…

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but…

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda…

  My wife and I got stuck in an elevator and when we got home, we told the story to our kids. They just looked at us and said. “Soooo….. …did ya get out?…

Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,…

Fred was about to go on a hunting trip when he noticed his 21 year old son Jack walking up to him. "Hey Dad," Jack asked. "Can I go hunting with…

An 83 year old british gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France…